Selfish!

It's been a Lindsey Lohan kind of winter.  We've stumbled from one crises to another, but we're ready for things to straighten out so we can be a part of society again.

I think our long weeks spent convalescing at home have shrunk Ava's perceived world to the square footage of our house.  In the safety of home, she puts on The Ava Show -- She giggles! She gobbles!  She plays contentedly!  She bails off furniture like she was born with a parachute built into her back fat!  But as soon as we leave the cocoon of the farm where she has the security of all Mommy's attention and all of Daddy's playtime, she clams up.  She's two eyes and a diaper, a fluffy-crowned baby owl checking out the world with suspicion from my shoulder perch.  As long as Daddy or I are in eyeshot, she's wary, but quiet.  Subtract us from the equation, and THE FURY OF THE  HARPIES BE UPON THEE!  (No question, she has her Mommy's lungs, tailor-made for caterwauling!)

This is especially trying when it comes to restarting her therapy schedule.  We spend about the first quarter of our time trying to strike a balance between soothing her separation anxiety and trying to distract her from trying to set the world on fire with her baby telepathic powers because, as far as she's concerned, parental absence warrants bringing the party around her to a crashing halt.

This is killing me.  I know that she's going to have to do things in life that make her uncomfortable socially and physically..... But for crying out loud, she's a year old!  I refuse to feel like it's my "right" to have some time to myself while she bawls and tries to cope with the concept of "mommy me-time".

I'm told over and over by trustworthy, well-intentioned professionals that her anxiousness is a phase she's just going to have to work through so she can learn to accept the care of others, but something in me resists the conventional wisdom that small children "need" to be apart from their parents as often as I'm advised.

Maybe this isn't the popular view on healthy childhood behavior, but deep down, I still think that her place is with her parents, most all of the time.  We've made hard choices and sacrifices to ensure that I could give over my time and energy to raising her at home and keep a steady hand and eye on her development.  This whole notion of "dump your kid on a regular basis so you won't go mom-crazy" angers me.  I'm not supermom by any means, and I occasionally need a moment to recharge, but I feel crazy WITHOUT my baby riding on my hip.  I don't know if it's just because I'm completely in love with the child or because I get into a life-rhythm that eventually becomes easier, but I'm beginning to feel very selfish with her time.  

Myyyyy preciouuuuus....