Rules of Food

MY RULES OF FOOD

by Ava "mini" Clenney, 

as interpreted by Heather Clenney

I am willing to try anything once.... As long as it doesn't appear to be gelatinous.  It doesn't matter if the food item is something the majority of children gobble with gleeful abandon (Ex: mashed potatoes, pudding, yogurt, boogers).   A good rule of thumb is: if it slides, I will yarf.

If Honey Boo Boo Dog is present during mealtime, the pattern goes: a nib for me, the rest for you.  Exception: Cheerios, soup, tofu.

Condiments go in the hair.

Small, difficult-to-pick-up foods go in the floor.

Corn goes in the air vent.

In restaurants nice enough to offer cloth napkins, be polite and coy.  Eat the most sophisticated dishes with relish and flirt with the waiter and every senior citizen in the room.  Convince Mommy and Daddy you are a sweet angel pie when taken out to eat.

Be an unrestrainable food-flinging gorilla child at Taco Bell.

When possible, chase a bottle of milk with a few raw onion slices.  Insist on being passed around the table for a round of kisses.

Blueberries = body art.

Everything tastes better with your foot suspended in the air.

Get excited about vegetables!  They get excited about you.  They tell you so.... Loudly.  And stinkily.

Chocolate cupcakes make one free of all restraints of behavior and bedtime.  WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

There must not be more than three items on a high chair tray at a time.  Rid yourself of their presence forcefully and immediately.  Failure to do so may result in the reversal of Earth's polarity.  Best to be on the safe side.

You can get a lot done with a few sharp teeth.  Just look around. We live in Arkansas.

 Enjoy food.  It gives you pleasure.  And energy.

And gas.