The Water Dance

There are two things that you should know about me at this point in our blogging relationship:

#1:  When it comes to physical functions, I am very difficult to embarrass.  This will come in handy later in parenthood, I believe.  This is also one of the few trying points of our marriage, as I ask my sweet husband to take me to Taco Bell a lot. 

#2:  Beyond all issues of safety and reason, I love Chinese food.  Most of the time, it loves me, too. 

These two things being said, I must tell you what happened this weekend, because it marks the first time that Mini Clenney's presence has compromised my bodily functions.....in public.  If you would like to preserve the idea of me being a graceful, ladylike creature who drinks tea at four every afternoon and whispers things like "Bless their heart!", then stop reading NOW.

Here's how it went down:

My first mistake was going out to eat with the three funniest people I know and trying to keep the volume of our conversation below the level of the reed flute music playing through the ceiling speakers.  I think that by the time we were through with our meal, all the good Malvernites seated around us had heard just about enough of Heather, Jason (husband), Jessica (sweet friend) and Angela (younger sister).  I think the elderly lady seated behind us was pretty amused, thinking, "Neato!  Dinner and a show!"

So it was inevitable that at one point in our dinner as I was rolling a spoonful of hot and sour soup around in my mouth that Jessica began a story in a way that tickled me so hard, the whole blop of egg and mushroom and tofu shot straight up my nose and made me gag.  Jessica's story was postponed. 

Just as I thought I'd recovered from that nasal enema, I realized that the pepper in the soup had lodged itself in my sinuses and was demanding that I sneeze.  So I sneezed.  And so did my bladder.

And I was wearing white capris.

In public. 

Just as poor Jessica was fruitlessly attempting to resume her story, I distracted her yet again with the look of sheer horror on my face.  I wasn't just horror due to what had just happened.  It was the compounded horror of the fact that it was about to happen again.  I held my hands up to my face and begged the evil spirits that caused the whizzing sneezes to stay the heck in my face. 

Well, all of this gasping and gesticulating garnered the attention of everyone else at my table, and being that I'm with Mini, I suppose that any kind of physical fit would have my companions concerned.  So as not to worry them, I tried my best to calmly explain what had just happened and.... I couldn't.  The laughter that accompanied my explaination quickly turned to tears, and before I could reign it in, I was flat-out boo-hooing over my egg rolls.  I knew that the more I tried to explain the worse I would bawl, so I quickly excused myself to the restroom, where I was in for another surprise.

It took me about five seconds after shuffling bleary-eyed into the ladies' restroom to realize that the previous occupant had experienced much more serious problems than I....  the floor was completely wet -- and not with good, clean water.  I was wearing flip flops. 

Once I managed to wipe my eyes, rinse the spaces between my toes and generally take care of business, I returned to my table somewhat composed and managed to avoid the collective gaze of every customer in that dimly-lit buffet until we were safely out the door. 

Things I have learned from this pre-parenting episode:

#1:  Pre- or post-birth, white pants just can't happen anymore.
- and -
#2:  Spicy goin' down, spicy comin' up!

I can't imagine what life will be like when Mini's big enough to start using my bladder as a trampoline.  Tread lightly, baby!